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金瓶梅 (2008)
The Forbidden Legend: Sex & Chopsticks

Reviewed by: STSH
Date: 04/06/2015
Summary: The Japanese are coming

Another retelling of the popular Kam Ping Mui story, which also has much in common with Sex & Zen. The look of Sex & Chopsticks is lush and colourful, and a joy to watch.

The familiar tale unfolds with a few twists. Young Simon grows up under a father who is a highly dedicated sexologist. The walls of Dad’s room are adorned with China’s version of the Kama Sutra, which he practices with a long line of concubines, who seem to the boy to change weekly. However, Dad dotes on his spectacularly horny but dying young wife. When her time comes, she begs Dad to give her one last orgasm, which is triggered by inserting several acupuncture needles into her full breast (yeow !). She dies happy, while the scene is viewed by the boy, and Dad then begins the boy’s training.

The gruelling routine starts with a thousand pushups per day (!). These include pushups from two fingers of one hand, and penis only pushups. Dad counsels that what is needed to make a woman love you is an Iron Penis.

But Simon is frustrated, because Dad won’t let him screw anyone. So the poor lad masturbates furiously every day, while practicing all 99 positions as best as possible without a woman. Temptation is everywhere, and he finally gets it on with his very fulsome tutor. But Dad has the last laugh.

Having come of age, the lad sets off with a bumbling assistant, whose sole purpose is to be repeatedly kicked in the balls. This is supposed to be funny, but it wears off mighty quick, though of course the pain lingers.

His quest for beautiful women takes him to, of all places, a nunnery, where he encounters the bald beauty featured in the poster. She is the one who deploys the titular chopsticks.

Sex & Chopsticks provides a pleasant balance between comedy and lust, though of course if often gets all too silly. A couple of sex scenes are comically sped up, which works very well.

A few words about the casting. Strange indeed that the four leading actresses are all Japanese. Stranger still that they are so busty. Where do they find these women ? The bustiest one, who plays Mother Goose (!), is clearly not speaking Chinese, as her lips move much more than the dialogue. Though I can’t be sure, she appears to be reading her lines in Japanese. Am I complaining ? Of course not. But it certainly looked odd.

The pacing is quite okay and generally holds interest. However, things could have been done to make SAC more fun and funnier. While not up with the best, SAC is a pretty good way to pass 90 minutes or so.

Reviewer Score: 5